The conversation at The Kickback on November 20th was all about Healthy Relationships, which I knew was going to be a great conversation, but I wasn’t prepared for how great it was going to be. There was a whole lot of ground covered and a whole lot we couldn’t even get to – we genuinely needed another hour. With so much said, I’m going to split what we spoke about into two parts, so that your brain doesn’t get too frazzled.
We were joined by Lisa from Tender, which is an arts charity currently in Croydon for two years. Their focus is on healthy relationships and talking about what domestic abuse is. “Our aim is to end violence against women and men,” Lisa said. Tender uses creative ways to talk about relationships with young people, particularly drama – “Drama is an interesting tool to open up that conversation.”
After Lisa’s introduction, I began with the question, what is a relationship? Gus’ response was a “connection between two people, but that may not even be a thing,” which Mhairi backed up by saying that it could be with yourself.
Mhairi also shared that she was thinking about addictions and things that are unhealthy when Gus spoke about having relationships with things. Lisa took this further when she told us that she hears a lot of children speaking about their relationship with gaming.
When I asked, what makes a relationship healthy, Mhairi said that “most of the time, a healthy relationship is mutually beneficial.” Gus counteracted this by saying that with a mother, you can give a lot and not necessarily get a lot back.
Tanica’s initial response was agape love – “You don’t ask for anything in return. Everything comes from the heart.” This led to extended time speaking about agape love, as well as our relationships with family and friends.
Mhairi asked, “How often do we see agape love?” Glenn said, “With family, it’s quite common, but with friends and other people, you’re not really gonna see it.” However, Tanica shared that her friends have passed that hand of friendship and they are like family – “That’s where I see the love.”
I spoke about my confusion concerning the concept of family, not feeling that some of my blood family members actually felt like family at all, but that there are friends of mine who have become family and I literally see them as blood.
Mhairi feels like “family is very changeable” and that there are many aspects to family in the 21st Century that allow us to bring others in easily. Lisa also shared, “As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realised that I’ve sort of created my own family… Like, what’s the definition anymore?”
Gus believes that the only way you know its unconditional love is if you’re put through the hardships with that person. Lisa also thinks that “there’s something about the dynamics of different relationships and it’s important to separate… I don’t think unconditional love comes into romantic relationships. I would gage them differently to my other relationships.
Other responses about what makes a relationship healthy included:
- Balance – Rhianna
- Accountability – Joan
- Communication – Lisa
- Understanding – Tanica
- Respect and trust – Elisha
- Lessons. “Someone has to teach me something and I have to teach them something.” – Mhairi
- Common interests. “Sometimes we’re just coming together for the sake of coming together.” – Jennifer
Jennifer also said that you’ve got to love yourself how you want to be loved. On the other hand, Mhairi believes that “some people don’t know what self-love is and still get married and stuff… I think the idea of self-love has become very confusing.” This led on to a whole other discussion about self-love, which was getting very deep and looking to go the distance, so I decided to give it a night of its own and we’ll be talking Self-Love in February next year.
Look out for Part 2, so you can get the full picture of our conversation and what was said when we spoke about relationships getting unhealthy, consent and violence against women.